Monday, June 7, 2010

I walk alone

Every moment of everyday, at every second of conscious thought, we decide who we are. If we are kind or lazy, curious or miserable, it all depends on what we decide through the infinite number of decisions we are constantly making. It is empowering to think we are both nothing and everything at the same time. Every conceivable in between is at our finger tips to construct ourselves from anew at every instant.

Despite this, we nearly always choose to stay on the many paths we walk and to stay the course. I was reminded of this today. I made a post on this blog last year about one of my learning disabilities. The one that made it difficult for me to understand people speaking to me when I was a kid. I'm mostly over it now, but I'm left with the fears of not being able to understand people that talk to me. This strange and no longer justified fear manifests itself in a few ways. I think part of why I overeat is because I want to be over weight and unattractive. It means less people wanting to talk to me. I flat out don't like it when people I don't know try and strike up a conversation with me. I push them away.

Today was the first day of the summer semester at American River College. While standing in line for about thirty minutes to buy a parking pass, I had such an incident. I considered several times leaving the line and coming back in the morning when it wouldn't be at long, but I stuck with it. I was finally near the very front. An attractive young woman in front of me turned to start talking to me. I don't know why it annoyed me, but it did. Yeah, I'm well aware of why I have so few friends, but this is how I am. But she told me she was not feeling well. She was first in line now, and about to go soon. I told her the wait was almost over, but she kept looking at me. It stressed me out a little, because I didn't know what she wanted from me. I wanted her to just turn back around and leave me alone. She said again that she was feeling sick. Before I could say anything more, she slumped against the wall and passed out. I knelt down in front of her and caught her head before she bumped it against a steel beam.

She opened her eyes again. I held her head gently with my left hand against her cheek. She looked at me weakly, barely hanging on to consciousness. I felt her head and asked if she was dizzy. The people in line just started down at us confused and in shock. I asked someone to get a nurse. I knew they were close by, but no one in line moved. They just stared at us. She closed her eyes again and I felt for her pulse. It was weak, but steady. Her lips were pale and I was getting pretty nervous at this point. A person at the desk called for the next in line. It was like a dream and no one in the world cared about this woman. I called out for a nurse again. I didn't realize it at the time, but I felt very close to her, like I would have crawled through broken glass to help her.

Two nurses came. They eventually got a wheelchair and I picked her up and put her in it. She looked at me and said thank you. I didn't say anything back. I felt like I should be doing more, but I didn't know what. They wheeled her back to the nurses station. I wanted to go, to hold her hand and sit with her, but I thought I would be in the way. It was a weird feeling. I ended up just standing there, in the middle of the hallway, watching them wheel her away, not knowing what to do. She faded around the corner and someone asked me if I was in line. I don't even know her name. I just walked away. Here I am typing this, wondering if she's ok and feeling guilty that I didn't go with her.

It also got me thinking, why does a beautiful woman have to pass out at my feet before I'll take notice and care about her?

The first serious g/f I ever had was absolutely horrible to me. I had to end that relationship and reflect for a few years for it to really sink in just how awful a person she was. But I think she's left me very cynical about ever letting another woman that close to me again. And I've stayed the course ever since, walking the bitter, lonely path I walk. With every moment of every day, I choose who I am. It's time to choose a new path.

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